Whats Up Bitches


          Since it is Valentines Day I think I should do a post that has to do with love and what not.

I honestly dont know anything about love and other drugs but I do know about sex. So I'm going to give you tips on how to carry on a fwb cut buddy relationship because I am here to help the masses.

  1. Friends with Benefits is impossible to keep up and do successfully without anyone getting their feeling hurt in some type of way because the next thing you know you are in love with this person and it might not be reciprocated
   2. If you are going to get into a relationship like this by all means don't become their friend. Don't ask them to come kill a spider or chill and watch a couple of movies. They are strictly sex toys to be used at your disposal. Its kind of blunt but true..... you will thank me later
                                              That right there is what you dont do!!

 3. Whatever you do don't kiss this person,again DON'T KISS WHO EVER YOU'RE FUCKING. Everyone gets this part from Pretty Women but I've never seen the movie so maybe I'm just a genius. Kissing is something you put all of your emotions into its like its the first thing you do when you haven't seen your person in a long time *side eye* so why would you give that to someone you just want to fuck?

4. It goes without say..... don't do this shit. I personally cant stand cuddling because I don't like being hot. Just don't do it just get your ass out of bed and take a shower.

5. DO NOT stay more than 20 minutes after sex!!!!!!! Don't get comfortable, Don't spend the night, Don't do any of it. use this time wisely and go take a shower.
It took a while but I found it

6. Don't just text when you want to have sex, you are not friend don't have full blown conversations like they are your SO, you have friends for that. Its a givin to what I've already said but..

I think I've cover all of the basics, If you are going to get into this type of relationship just know you can't actually be friends with the person.


I'm so fucking fickle

           So Im moving to San Fransixo right now in this moment I am moving across the country again. It might change I might stay and self teach but I don't really have the opportunity to intern in my current location. I mean I can go to the local school and take up a merchandising degree but I kind of don't want to and Ive been ready to go. I wonder If Im google able like I don't want to be I wish I could scrub everything from 10 years ago off of the internet! I made so many damn accounts I cant even recall. If do leave Ill probably go by a different name like Fawn or something. Ill be like my friends call me Fawn and then people will just call me Fawn. 

                 Are we scared is the question and the answer is yes! I am scared to fly, Im afraid to fail or Im that Im not as good as I think I am but if I dont try then Ive already failed and all the other cliques. 

Cumberbatch has the best gifs
I think thats all for this topic right now. 

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

                      Im starting to think that  should name all of my post after song quotes even if I has nothing to do with the post.

    I dont want it to seem like im phoning it in but Im really tired its 4am basically and I cant stop thinking about how I really would like to have a cat or maybe turtle.


Baby Love Me Lights Out

               I needed to post something today but its 9 am and I have nothing to say because Its so damn early.
I have like a mental quest that I'm about to go on and Im not sure where its going to end up.

It's Cold Outside

     So, I'm in my room right and I am laying on my bed and I cant seem to think of one time where I was actually not alone. Im not talking in the physical sense, people will alway be physically there even though most of the time I am physically alone a lot of the time. I mean mentally and emotionally I can't really rely on anyone to keep the thoughts I share to themselves. Its like they dont respect me enough to do so, but I guess its not really a problem since I stopped opening up to people a LONG time ago. Hold on I did recently and the person didn't even text me back after it was just a sentence but still they failed and I just moved on.

   I think who ever if I ever date is going to have a rough time with me lol


    Ever since I realized that I can use gifs as my thread image I'm kind of obsessed.


So I going to try start this up again

I want to go in the the sport field but I'm not sure if my writing is strong enough to do it. Something like PR is something that Im really interested maybe work on the marketing for the Carolina Panther's for example I would have not chose those stupid rally towels that everyone goes for. I could also stand to be a sports agent too but could I really stand to get that fancy that much. Im the sit at home in leggings and a Kuechly jersey watching football. I could possibly an analyst but I dont have the popular opinion like The Colts only won because The Cheifs we completely depleted but oh yes Luck was just too clutch but thats another day.

This will be alot of scatter but Its the first day back what can I say.


I guess I lied

I was really stoked about starting a blog and putting my thoughts down and I ended up getting caught up in some bull shit

I guess I Lied :(

So I know I said that I would post everyday and haven't done so in over months sorry.

Around and Around Where Will She Go, Where She Will Stop Nobody Knows

      I've been looking at five cities to move to for sometime now, I want to say since Senior year of high school. Austin, Boston, Portland, Seattle, and Toronto. I have been looking in to all of these cities and I have decided on......

Portland!! Lol If you know me then you know that I am not a planner when I comes to big decisions, I just jump in head first and whatever happens, and previously doing things this way hasn't really worked out well for me. So this time I will be going SLOW I don't plan to move until May which is some ways away but it will allow me to save money go out there once or twice for jobs once in February and again in April. I will be going to PSU for the Fall quarter I want to be settled in before then considering my birthday is the first week in July and a lot is going to be happening between then and school. I am soooo excited :) I will be kind of sad because I will be all the way on the other side of the country by myself and that will be lonely but I think I will manage.


Hi just Checking in because i can Im Thinking about getting a red OVOXO sweater but it cost $150...Ugh thats alot.

Not Today


                                                                             Today was a good day, but all I could think was not today; maybe he had a good day, maybe someone told him that he looks nice today, or that someone hoped that he had great day. Please not today, thinking about it made the pain in my side intensify; glimmers of last Monday's fight came across the mirror. "Do you expect me to eat this?", " it is cold, you know what." I'm shaken by the girl who walked in to the bathroom; I touch my face to see if I can leave without questions. I felt her wanting to ask me what is wrong but she never does, so I leave. On the way home, I get an overwhelming feeling of peace and it makes me lighter; I know that today is going to be okay. I go into the kitchen and make myself some eggs and head up to my room. Minutes later he walks through the door, maybe if he's in a really good mood we can go out like we use to. I hear him walking to my room, I open the door to meet him, he throws the eggs I made earlier in my face. I know you heard me calling you!, I look into his eyes, there dark and empty,I didn't hear you I promise, he slaps me across the face. I start to stiffen, What is it that you wanted? What did I tell you about the food? I search my mind for the right answer, thinking carefully to make sure I don't have the wrong answer. I thought you would like some so I left them on the stove, I didn't think that you would get mad, That's right you didn't think you stupid bitch, you never learn and that's why no one wants you because you're nothing I look at him with all the courage I can, Please don't call me a bitch,Excuse me. Without warning he knocks me to the ground Sorry I didn't mean to disrespect you he looks at me with a piercing glare that made my spine tingle. Clean this mess up. 
                     He walks out the room, I try to catch my breath, and a stone in my throat breaks my tears. I clean the eggs off the floor and change my shirt. I lie on my bed and the glimmers from last Mondays fight flicker across the ceiling Get on the floor, now eat! I'm not eating off the floor. He kicks me in the side and for a moment I lose the ability to breathe. I began to eat the food losing more of myself with every bite. When I was done I got up, he pushed me into the wall for talking back, Don't you ever do that again! When I realized that I was crying I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then I heard the sound of angry footsteps approaching. He's coming back, he never comes back unless he's going to say sorry. I start growing confused because I'm happy that he's coming back. People always say that you need to love and forgive. He's just got a lot to deal with so I just have to be patient. I will accept his apology because I know it will be better soon. He opens the door and grabs me off the bed by hair, dragging me out the room. I try to hold anything I can; when I reach the threshold I hold on to the molding with all my strength. Kicking him to let go but his grip got tighter and I couldn't hold on any longer. I brace myself for the steps one by one hurting more and more each time, by the third step I start to pass out ,when he realizes that I passed out he slaps me until I come back he spits in my face and yells.
                             I want you to feel this you dirty bitch, you want to go out there and have sex with guys, so I'm going to hurt you just like you hurt me.I couldn't say anything, my mind went blank, I start to cry, and go numb. He drops me into the bathtub and turns on the freezing cold water. I just lay there ,I couldn't move I felt so numb. He comes back in with a steak knife I start to squirm, I pleaded with him not to kill me. He told me to shut up. He comes down to where I am, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and whispers, "I'm going to make sure you don't have any kids.I begin to cry, before I had a chance to get up he stabs me. I don't know what to do, I try to move but it hurts, I start feeling my life slip away. A warm peaceful sensation comes over me. I smiled looked over to him and said I love you daddy.

Don't Call It A Comeback

                        I've decided to put down my goals for the year.

Goal 1: Swim Everyday
      I want to pick up swimming because I don't like to exercise but I do like to swim and I can swim for hours without a problem. The only problem is that I don't like being watched when I swim :( I'll just have to get over that one I guess considering life guards have to be present at the Y.

 Goal 2: Do everything I can possible to turn my life around what ever it may be.
          Instead of wallowing my life away I'm going to admit my mistakes and move forward. I have alot of bridges to repair which will probably take a while but roman wasn't built in a day! ↫ (I always wanted to use that phrase.)

Goal 3: Have a really amazing year!!
      The past fourteen years have been dreck!! I just want this year to be good. I want to travel I want to get back on track with school. I just want everything to be good for one year.

   I'm basically done, there's a couple of little things that I would like to do but I know that I will be able to accomplish these things so there isn't a dire need to put them into the universe.

Live and Let Live

                                                                         It seems crazy to think that this time last year I was just starting a new job so I could go to school, everything was so bright and sunny and now it's a year later and I have completely ruined everything. I often ask myself what am I doing, do I really know, and where did I go wrong. I'm not trying to make this a self loathing, existential crisis thing but I do need to step back and ask myself what am I trying to achieve. Am I doing everything just because I don't want to be like my parents, maybe it's that I want some people in my life and will do almost anything to have them there or am I doing it because it makes me happy? It's probably the first two because now I feel stuck and I have no clue which way is up.

    I have made the wrong decisions every step of the way from junior year to now. I've pushed myself before I was ready every time I had to make a big decision, like if I push myself extra hard that I will be superwoman and concur any problem. Don't get me wrong I don't think that I am impervious to life's cons and outcomes I guess I was just naïve in thinking that I could control every outcome because I pushed for it. At any time I could turn my life around but at this point I just feel like I'm just in it too deep. In order for me to get back on track I had to admit my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions.

                  When I first got to Harrisonburg I knew that It wasn't the place I should be, It is one of those places where you either know or you don't and going there was my first big mistake. Ever since I can remember there has only been five school on my list and James Madison wasn't one of them. I still have/had a semester to go before I started there but I still moved there in the August everything was good and fine. I had good roommates all in different areas of study, nice ladies, hardworking. I had good laughs and great times and almost felt like it was home but at some point in the middle of the semester I asked myself what am I doing here and I finally realized I don't want to be here. I wasn't going to just leave I was going to stick it out until the end of the year and see if I feel the same then but then I had a health scare and came home for what I meant to be a weekend that has turned into a month and a half and now I'm going to be evicted and I need to go up there and get my belongings. I am facing legal trouble albeit not extremely serious but it if eviction goes on my record I will have trouble renting in the future no matter how far away from this situation I get I will be still be dealing with the consequences of not listening to my gut.

              I keep putting myself in the self annihilating situations (epic problems, need epic words) I can't seem to get over this stage where I just keep putting myself in these ridiculous situations without rhyme or reason. If I were being smart about everything I would have said no and ran straight out of Harrisonburg. I know where I should be, where I want to be so why can't I just get there and let myself be happy, I mean really happy although I've gotten so good at it that I trick myself (that felt very whinny, makes me want to cringe but it's the only way I could think to say it). So all in all while I had good times in Harrisonburg but It isn't were I should be. With that being said I am undoubtedly in love with Charlottesville and UVA. I've known this for a long time for about 6 years know and still chose JMU, I didn't really choose I most or less picked a name out of a bag and thought that it was a sound idea. I sometimes think that I put myself  in these predicaments on purpose actually I know I do. I love the almost everything about being in Charlottesville, the first time I arrived(I say arrived because my feelings changed) I didn't really like it, there is an elitist air about the city that I really didn't like but after a while I saw that I was just judging to be judgy(what I should have done with JMU). You are probably thinking "Why didn't she just go to UVA?" I don't know and I should but I don't and I guess that is that is the root of my problems. I know what will make me happy but I just won't take the right steps to get there. It's just time for me to take life by the balls and stop hiding behind choices that I know are mistakes.

Holy Smokes

            Hii, this is my first blog entry!!! I'm going to be posting everyday whatever comes to mind it might be a hello or some crazy tangent but I will be posting. It might be completely random but  I hope that it works.
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